After I got married, I waited six years before considering having a child. In Haitian culture, that’s unheard of! Yet I put up with the shame of making different choices because there was something that held me back: Fear.

Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of not being good enough.

As I approached my 30’s, something in me changed! Yes, I was afraid, but I also wanted change in my life. At that time, I embarked on both a career change and this journey called motherhood.

Almost four years later, with Mother’s day weekend right around the corner, I’d like to reflect on motherhood.

Looking back over the past 3-plus years since I became pregnant with Ezra, I am stunned by what I have discovered and learned so far. I have grown and evolved because of motherhood more than I have for any other reason in my life.

Even more amazing, though, is the vast abyss of “what I do not yet know” that lies before me. The foundation of motherhood, perhaps, (aside from unconditional love) is embracing that gap in knowledge while we find gratitude for what we’ve learned so far, and trusting that we’ll find our way.

We really do know so little, don’t we? We can read and research and look at statistics and talk to other parents, but becoming a parent is truly one big question mark. We learn as we go, making it up along the way. We’re all in this ride together with no telling what comes next or where we’ll end up. So we hold tight to trust, lest we get mired in worry and miss all the fun.

When I was pregnant with Ezra, there was so much that I did know. I knew that my life would change, I knew my body would change, I knew pregnancy would be uncomfortable, I knew giving birth would be intense (from all the horror stories I had heard). I also knew I already had some strength in me, and I knew my sense of humour would come in handy, as well as my organisational skills.  I knew I was well-surrounded with a spouse who was present, and family and friends that were close by. I knew that I wouldn’t raise my kid full-time! I would stay home for one year and then enrol my child in daycare and preschool. I knew I strongly preferred a daughter!

And yet, there was so much more that I did not know. There still is.

I didn’t know what it would be like to be a mama. Not at all. I knew there would be tears and giggles, diapers and nursing, bedtimes and early mornings. I knew that eventually there would be first smiles, first signs, first words, and first steps.

But I didn’t know how different “mama” would be from “papa” in our world. I thought they were interchangeable. Mom. Dad. Same difference. “50/50,” I said. My career mind rationalised that we’d each have our job during the day – I would stay home to be with Ezra that first year, and Kossi, my husband, would go to work. But the rest of the week we’d be 50/50. Evenings. Bedtime. Nights. Days off.

But it didn’t turn out that way. I didn’t know just how much of the parenting would fall to me. Ezra, in his baby way, demanded it. And my heart told me to give him what he needed. I remember feeling tired. Resentful. Overwhelmed.

And while I remember being frustrated at not being able to take a shower or finish a meal without a baby fussing his way into my arms, I also remember surrendering. Releasing the resistance I had towards it and embracing – eventually – what was my new life. What a gift it was to learn to let go and be present in my reality.

One feeling that surprised me is the love that I feel toward my son. Yes, it’s challenging, every fear I had did come to pass, and I LOVE HIM!

What I didn’t know I had is my resilience: To be able to accept whatever situation I’m in and make the best of it. What I didn’t know, and I’m still getting to know, is my son. I am forever discovering his personality, his own boundaries, his sense of adventure.

At this point in my life, I am amazed by how affectionate he is!  My favourite moments are when he wakes up in the morning and always has something silly to say: “Mommy, it’s a good morning”, “Mommy, is Daddy in the bus?” I also love our cuddle rituals on the sofa!

Ezra is a child that is funny, strong-willed, independent, confidant, and just beautiful!

Looking back, I celebrate all that I have discovered. There is more to learn each day as I strive to grow as a person and as a mother. To find balance. To be patient. To connect. To play. To live fully in the present. To trust myself, my partner, my child, and God. To be free of worry and fear and find joy in the magic of this day.

What motherhood has thought me that I didn’t know before is that God has placed the best things in life on the other side of fear.